Worthless
Chapter 6
The Forbidden List
Fast forward to graduation, I had earned my business degree and secured a decent job that paid well. On the surface, it seemed like I had it all together. But beneath the exterior of success, my mental health remained in turmoil. Anxiety was a constant companion, casting a shadow over every aspect of my life. I found it incredibly difficult to trust people, leading to frequent misunderstandings and strained relationships. Despite recognizing these issues, I felt powerless to change them.
This internal struggle drove me to create a peculiar list, one that cataloged the aspects of my personality I wanted to change. I guess you could say I’m a bit odd, but this list became my roadmap for self-improvement. Periodically, I would add new items, reflecting my evolving understanding of what needed fixing.
One of the more unusual goals on this list was to become emotionally detached and fearless of death. The concept of dying had always filled me with dread, leaving me paralyzed by the unknown. Despite identifying as a Christian, I wasn't particularly religious, and my faith offered little comfort regarding the afterlife. So, I set out to desensitize myself to the idea of mortality, a bizarre goal that I believed might liberate me from my fears.
Another critical item was understanding myself better. Years of feeling lost and fragmented had taken their toll, and I knew that self-awareness was key to finding some semblance of peace. Embracing my imperfections was also a significant challenge. I had spent so much time trying to be someone else, someone more acceptable, that I had lost sight of who I truly was. Learning to accept my flaws and quirks was a daunting task, but I knew it was necessary for my growth.
Through this journey of self-discovery, I realized that changing these deeply ingrained patterns of thought and behavior would not be easy. The process was slow and often frustrating. Sometimes, it felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps back. Yet, each small victory, each moment of clarity, gave me hope that I was on the right path.